The day started off just like any other day. I woke up to hellbird cawking the sounds of its people at my window. So I grab my phone, roll my beached whale self over, and attempt to have my daily self-reflection on the toilet. Well that’s what I thought was going to happen. As I was heading towards the bathroom, I was greeted by an ear piercing banshee screech and headbanging escapade.
I just shake my head, put my phone back on the bed and head over to little miss unicorn sparkles to get her changed. Apparently a simple good morning wasn’t good enough for anyone, and I tripped over the bouncer by her crib and ate my window sill. All to her belly laughter, high pitched screams and enjoyment.
I slowly get up to make sure all my teeth are still in my mouth, luckily for me they are. Pretty sure my husband wouldn’t mind too much if they were all gone though. Anyway, I digress. After I gathered myself, checked all my parts and pieces, I moved that stupid bouncer back to its stupid corner–in hopes of not tripping over it again.
I grab my daughter, lay her down and get her my bowels exploded the smell of death changed. Most mornings getting this little girl changed is a rather simple task. But oh no, not this morning. She decided to kick, roll, attempt to grab the ball of poop, and grab herself. To her dislike and vocal discord, I won the battle. What that required however was me spread eagle, feet to her wrists while singing Sesame Street as high and annoying as possible.
Daily routine complete and I head to the bathroom to have a much needed and very much deserved pee. Of course it wouldn’t be in private though, as little miss ninja from the leaf village is up and waddle running behind me, babbling and screaming away. What was usually a peaceful time of pee, turned into no, put that down. No don’t touch that. Saoirse, leave it alone! No, no, no, no don’t touch that! That’s yucky put it back. And it wouldn’t be complete without picking her up, while still seated on the toilet, and putting her somewhere else as she was trying to climb into the bathtub head first.
Finally finished peeing, brushed my teeth and put her monster ball of hair into a cute little top bun and we head back into the bedroom. Slightly upbeat and a lot more relieved then we were entering.
I sit on the bed and start scrolling through crunchyroll for an anime to watch that’ll keep her attention. Did I mention she loves anime? Naruto and Attack on Titan seem to be her favorite. She laughs, dances and claps to the insane action and the mesmerizing amount of colors that take place during the fight scenes. When she decides to start playing with the door, going behind it and pushing it forward. Then a lightbulb went off, you could see it in her eyes.
Now we have a door bouncer. One of those little things that hook to the door frame and allow the child to bounce to their hearts content hanging from our bedroom door. I don’t think she realized that it would hinder her ability to close the door when she started closing it.
So she begins to close the door little by little, laughing, cackling and babbling away. Opening it, closing it, opening it, hiding behind it and closing it some more. Now she hasn’t attempted to close it all the way yet, but that changes really soon. After about 10 minutes of back and forth she decides to commit the full 100% and try to shut the door all the way. Remember when I said we had a door bouncer in the doorway? Well it didn’t move, it’s still there and I don’t think she realized it.
So what does she do when she realizes she can’t close the door all the way? She places her palm angrily on the door and screams at it. I guess she expected it to not be there anymore by the way she reacted, and when I said reacted, what I meant to say was, she turned into a ball of ear piecing, ball chilling, two-legged demon.
She started screaming, then the screaming turned into a loss of control of her upper body. She just started swinging her hands up, down and around, still screaming because the door wouldn’t close. She would open it, inspect the doorway, scream at the door bouncer and try to close the door again. She began to get even angrier at the fact the door wouldn’t close.
I just sat on my bed and watched the whole scene unfold. Trying everything in my power to not bust out laughing at her definition of insanity moment.