When I tell you the universe had it out for me, boy did it have it out for me. It made me stop and think for a while, what I did earlier in my life for karma to just hop, skip, and jump into my face stop sign style.
So there I was, in dreamland enjoying myself when hellbird begins to cawk at my window, mocking me in all its gestures. I try to open my eyes but they were crusted over, guess I was super super tired when I went to bed. So I bury my face in my pillow and rub it around like a dog in a mud pile. The house is quiet as both kids are still sleeping.
So I grab my phone, roll out of bed and head towards the bathroom for my five minutes of peaceful potty time. I didn’t even make it into the bathroom door when I stepped on a massive Lego creation my oldest was working on. So after a few minutes of cussing and debating on whether or not to burn it, I just put it on the floor in his room. Right at the side of his bed, hoping when he woke up he would step on it too. I know, I know. I shouldn’t do that, but I just couldn’t resist the payback gene that runs deep in my blood.
So anyway, there I am sitting on the toilet enjoying my daily Tea Spill on YouTube when my cat decided to lose her ever loving mind. She jumped up on my sink and started knocking things over and off, making her “try me” eye contact. So I go to push her off the sink when the toilet seat gave way under my massiveness and I fell face first on my bathroom floor. In the process managing to pee on myself. I just laid there hating life and hoping the cat would slip and topple down the stairs. Of course where was she? Sitting at the bathroom door meowing away at me. After laying there in my own urine for a good few minutes, I decided to take a shower.
As I was taking my clothes off, I definitely made sure to chuck them at my fat cat laughing at me in the doorway. Apparently that was a mistake as I tried to throw my pajama pants with such force, I managed to slip in my own pee. Again, I found myself face first on my bathroom floor. This time I decided to just stare at my beautiful balled yarn rug and play with it as the water heated up.
Finally I’m able to shower, since I live in a dirt old townhome that takes forever time to heat water up, when I hear my daughter up and wide eyed–just headbanging away in her crib. I hurry and finish and head back to the bedroom, just in time to catch her trying to ninja her way out. Except this time, she got stuck. One leg over her crib screaming for dear life, while I just stood there in a towel trying not to laugh as she was reaching her hand out to me. I help her down, get her changed and head downstairs.
I didn’t even make it to the bottom landing when I hear my 10 year old scream at the top of his lungs. Guess he stepped on his wonderful Lego build that I had just happened to hit earlier. The amount of retribution and satisfaction I felt at the very moment I heard his scream in pain, was absolutely phenomenal. Even my little one gaped her mouth open in surprise when I just smiled walking into the kitchen.
I sit her down on her two little bow legged legs and let her rampage as I prepare her morning breakfast of strawberries and grapes. My oldest comes stomping down the stairs angrily talking to me about how the house is haunted because he didn’t leave his Lego build by his bed. I just giggled and said, well maybe the ghost was telling you to leave your Legos in your room where they belong. He shrugged and stormed back upstairs to put his toy away.
I put little ms. attitude in her highchair, PBS kids going strong on the TV and go to head back into the kitchen to get her breakfast when again, I slip and face plant onto the hard kitchen floor. It took me a minute to realize what happened at first as I lay there slightly concussed. My daughter cackling away like a madman, my son rushing down the stairs to see what the big noise was. He didn’t even ask me if I was okay before he too, started cackling like a mad man. As for me, I just laid there not only embarrassed, but ashamed of my lack of ability to walk.
I get up and go to grab my daughters breakfast, when lo and behold I slip and fall once more. Strawberries and grapes falling rapidly towards my face. I manage to barely avoid the onslaught of fruit while attempting to get my big self up off the floor. As I look around, both kids still cackling at me like madmen, I notice that my vinegar bottle is leaking. Hence, me slipping and busting my butt on the floor back to back. I quickly grab it and put it in the sink, swearing up a storm that would make your mother ashamed. It was severe enough that my son just plugged his ears and continued to hop around the living room.
I pulled out more grapes and strawberries, as the ones I originally made were no longer any good. I’m finally able to make it out of the kitchen with no mishaps and feed my now cranky daughter. As I drop her food on her table I step on another damn Lego. My daughter just laughed hysterically at me while I hopped and stomped in utter pain. I pick up the Lego and head back into the kitchen to clean up the vinegar spill on my floor. I don’t know what it was, or why it happened, but I slipped yet again. This time diving face first into my trashcan and knocking it over. If you’ve never had a near death brush with day old poopy diapers, may you never experience it. I knew I should have cleaned up that spill before I even left the kitchen, but you know, cranky toddler doesn’t end well.
Anyway, cleaned that up, picked up my trashcan–gagging at the mess of diapers and old food, swearing worse than I did when I slipped the second time. After a minor meltdown, debates of making a stiff hard drink, and sailor swearing, I finally got my life in order. Cleaned up the mess in the kitchen, ensured my daughter was good to go and on to the second phase of business. The Lego my kid left downstairs that I just so happened to step on.
I go to dart up the stairs to scold my oldest about his methodical Lego placement when, I tripped on the third stair and once again found myself face down. Only this time it was jagged death engulfed in carpet. My kid comes to the top of the stairs to see what all the commotion was only to find his mother cussing up down and around the stairs. He just laughed and skipped back into his bedroom. Now by this point I’m beginning to feel like the universe is trying to kill me, all while I’m trying to figure out what the hell I did to piss it off.
I finally recover and make it to the top of my stairs to scold my kid about this Lego. It didn’t even start, let alone end in scolding. Instead I was so happy that I made it to the top of the stairs in one piece, that I just tossed the Lego in his room and asked him to be more aware of where his toys end up. He nodded, completely engulfed in Subnautica, and I headed back downstairs. Once again, that damn third step caught me and I fell down the remaining stairs. Head in the shoe rack smelling the smells of my people. Which by the way isn’t a good smell, nor should you ever be proud to find yourself there.
My kid comes and peeks past the baby gate at the top of the stairs to see what the commotion was. Again, he was greeted by my butt and busted out the most evil, yup I’m laughing at you, laugh to ever come out of that 95lb boy. My daughter, well she just contorted her way to see what was going on just to say uh-oh and some insane toddler babble. I gather myself slowly and just shake my head thinking what is my life right now.
As I walk back into the kitchen, I hear my huge bottle of Jack Daniels whispering sweet nothings into my ear. I stare at it in agreement but my conscious tells me its too early, it’s only 9:45 am. I shed a little tear, turn off the kitchen light, and head into the living room to watch multiple hours of mind numbing Sesame Street.