I’ve officially come to the conclusion that my bathroom is a complete and utter death trap for me. Doesn’t matter what I’m trying to do, it always manages to almost murder me. Tonight was absolutely no exception to this. The only difference–I had my daughter in there with me.
Today was a pretty relaxed day, well, for the most part anyway. I only fell up my stairs once and I didn’t fall down them. Yay to me. Anyway, it was time to shower for both her and I. So what better time to attempt to do it than right before Saoirse’s nap time. I would soon come to regret that choice and everything that followed.
She finished her lunch of scrambled eggs and sausage. Well she only ate the sausage, but at least she ate. I grabbed chunky out of her highchair and began the dangerous trek up my stairs. She was climbing ahead of me, my legs to her feet, when apparently I forgot to take the next step. Thankfully she wasn’t in my arms when I missed that step, and found my face painfully wedged in-between the 4th and 5th stair. She stopped mid climb to turn around, laugh at me and say, “all done?” Before continuing her mini workout up the flight of stairs. Like a newly blossomed flower, I popped up, following quickly behind her.
As we hit the top landing, I grabbed her and put her over the baby gate. For some reason I felt deep in my soul that the stair mishap was going to be the only incident on my way to the shower. Boy was I wrong. All of a sudden the baby gate leaped at me like a rabid dog chasing its prey, and I soon found myself entangled on the floor in the gate. My son came running out of his room to see what all the commotion was about. Not only did he not ask me if I was okay, but he grabbed his sister so she wouldn’t go down the stairs, and made it a point to laugh at me hysterically. She soon followed suit.
After a few minutes of screaming and cussing, I finally got myself out of that damn baby gate and after a few more– got it put back up. Although semi crooked and uneven, at least it’s back up. So no danger Will Robinson at this house, nuh uh, not happening. I call for Saoirse to come get in the bath and she just comes waddle running in delight, closing the door behind her.
I go to turn the shower on and miss the mark 100%. Instead of successfully turning it on, I ended up slipping on her baby shampoo bottle and falling face first into the tub. As I lay face first into the tub, all I hear is, “uh oh.” Then an eruption of laughter and hand clapping. It was almost as if I was doing this solely for her amusement. I can comfortably say, that it was not for her amusement.
Once again I crawl my heavy self out of the bottom of my tub, brush myself off and don’t miss turning the shower on. As I’m waiting for it to warm up, I grab my wax wamer (yes, I self wax. It’s only the best thing ever) to get ready to wax after the shower and I take mini me out of her diaper. As she’s rampaging in all her nakedness, I’m placing the warmer into the sink so it doesn’t fall on the floor. I flick the switch for the poop fan and get myself undressed.
Well Saoirse didn’t want to wait for me to finish to get in the tub. As she’s butt up, about to fall face first into the tub, I mommy lunge to grab her leg. In the process tripping over my pants, smacking my boob against the toilet (which hurts incredibly bad if you didn’t know already) and land face first in her butt. I very quickly recovered and she’s just clapping and laughing away, as if a concussion and a welt wasn’t knocking on her door. I just sat on the floor, breathing a heavy sigh, removing the last pants leg off my body. I didn’t get back up until the mirror was fogged, signaling the shower was warm enough for us to hop in.
Getting in the shower was a success, what happened in the shower, not so much. When mini me showers with me, she likes to scoot and scream all across the bathtub. Many times I end up slipping and then falling from trying to recover. This shower experience was no different. She was slipping and sliding (on her butt) all over the place. I was slipping and sliding all over the place trying to avoid her slipping and sliding all over the place. Then I was slipping and sliding all over the place trying to wash her hair while she was slipping and sliding all over the place. Then it happened. While I was slipping and sliding trying to wash her while she was slipping and sliding, I slipped and slided myself right out the damn tub.
I hear my kid yell, “Mom you okay?”
I’m just bent over the tub, face on my rug, water dripping everywhere, while mini me is scrubbing my calf with an exfoliating loofa–babbling and screaming away. I slowly gathered myself, bent back into the shower, and continued washing her and myself away. All while slipping and sliding while she was slipping and sliding.